The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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