I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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