Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
