Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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