I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
