I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
