Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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