Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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