i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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