Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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