I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Randomize
