saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
