Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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