Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
