matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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