it wasn't lemon gatorade
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
