1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
