Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
