living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
