my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
