Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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