i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
