If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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