This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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