You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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