I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
