At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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