i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
