I wish my penis had an off switch
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
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