a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
