I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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