I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
