What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
