Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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