True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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