the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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