if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Can you bring me the toilet please
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
