she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
