I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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