I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
