i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Found the puke drawer
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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