sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
