The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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