I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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