i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
