Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
