Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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