Texts From Last Night

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  (801): View more from Utah

  so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me

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  (801): so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me http://tfl.nu/is24
  Replies (81) Good night (8685) Bad night (1072)
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.

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  (804): finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets. http://tfl.nu/gp9t
  Replies (21) Good night (8401) Bad night (1302)
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?

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  (570): i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it? http://tfl.nu/x3ze
  Replies (4) Good night (2711) Bad night (844)
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.

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  (316): You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath. http://tfl.nu/tem9
  Replies (2) Good night (1685) Bad night (855)
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?

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  (814): The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave? http://tfl.nu/sauc
  Replies (16) Good night (650) Bad night (3202)
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  (525): View more from

  It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?

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  (525): It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am? http://tfl.nu/0yre
  Replies (14) Good night (3675) Bad night (751)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.

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  (404): Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs. http://tfl.nu/h5fh
  Replies (7) Good night (1325) Bad night (638)
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere

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  (312): She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere http://tfl.nu/ps2s
  Replies (1) Good night (521) Bad night (863)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?

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  (908): I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember? (610): Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead? http://tfl.nu/yv69
  Replies (13) Good night (1343) Bad night (576)
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self

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  (423): Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self http://tfl.nu/t1xo
  Replies (1) Good night (660) Bad night (299)
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  (916): View more from California

  Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.

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  (916): Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though. http://tfl.nu/db3p
  Replies (15) Good night (406) Bad night (1594)
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  (914): View more from New York

  Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair

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  (914): Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair http://tfl.nu/v5lw
  Replies (1) Good night (1704) Bad night (395)
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.

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  (506): I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks. http://tfl.nu/uhzd
  Replies (7) Good night (436) Bad night (740)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.

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  (978): You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut. http://tfl.nu/pq6k
  Replies (3) Good night (626) Bad night (397)
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  (509): View more from Washington

  I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.

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  (509): I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today. http://tfl.nu/71ff
  Replies (0) Good night (298) Bad night (158)

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