i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
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Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
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My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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