my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.