I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
