I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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