just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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