I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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