I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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