How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
