I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
