so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
