Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
