i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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